The moment you stop looking...

If you have been a single Christian for any period of time, you have probably heard something close to that age-old quote, "Don't worry. God will bring you someone. The moment you stop looking, God will bring you that special guy...." 

I, for one, think this line is a load of poo.

Ok, so I don't really because I know it happens this way for some people, BUT whenever my godly counsel would feed me this line, my first emotion was frustration:

"The moment [I] stop looking"?!?!?! Welp, I guess that God will NEVER bring me that "special guy" then.... I LITERALLY don't think it is possible for me to simply "stop looking." It's a "don't think about _______" scenario: the moment someone says don't think about __________, you can't NOT think about ____________.
 I am a woman who desires to someday be a good wife and mother. I am a woman that is both a Christian and has a frustratingly unsatiated sex drive. (What? Women in the church struggle with lust? *gasp*) Most of all, I am a woman that believes marriage is one of the most beautiful examples of Christ's love for the church, and I want to have the privilege and honor of being a part of said example. I'm supposed to just "not think about it"? That's the solution?

My theory: When we offer this adage as a solution for discontented single girls in the church, not only are we not taking advantage of an opportunity to speak great truth into these young women, we are heaping shame on their heads for having a desire that God most likely put within them in the first place. This line communicates "you are not being patient, trusting God, being satisfied, showing contentment etc." Because of this, many girls and single women are afraid to speak up about this longing (and sometimes hurting) in their hearts, because they've been programmed to believe it's wrong.

My suggestion: I propose that when girls or women approach us, the church, with their struggles in singleness, we embrace this as a great opportunity to share the gospel. "Don't worry, God will bring you someone if you just stop looking..." is a far too succinct answer. It is another example of LAZY, quick-fix Christianity. "Ugh! Another overly-dramatic boy-crazy teenager. How do I get her to leave so I can get on with my ministry?"


A better answer:
If a single girl or young woman approaches you with a heavy heart about being "alone," here's what I, in my infinite wisdom of course, think we should do:

1. Point her back to the gospel- One of the greatest desires of humanity is to know and be known. The Greeks have a word for it: Ginosko. Basically, Ginosko works like this:
-I want to know everything about you, both good and bad, and I want to be a person who is good enough and strong enough to love you unconditionally in spite of what I may find out about you in the process.
-I want you to know everything about me, both good and bad, and I want you to be able to love me unconditionally in spite of my sinful past, moments of complete insanity, and ongoing insecurities. I want to know that regardless of all of my flaws, you can still see beauty in me.

The Great Gatsby, although an INCREDIBLY BORING book, has a beautiful quote that describes the desire for Ginosko, even amongst a secular culture:
"He smiled understandingly- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced-or seemed to face- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresisble prejudice in your favor. It understood you just so far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey."

The desire to no longer be single is, for many people, innate. A relationship holds a promise of knowing and being known; however, no earthly relationship will provide a true and satisfying sense of Ginosko. The truth is, the ONLY truly unconditional love we shall ever experience this side of heaven is that which put an innocent savior on the cross to take on the sins of all mankind. Anyone can know about our "crazy", and maybe a few people are capable of loving us through it, but only Jesus Christ can heal and redeem it.

When a female approaches you with this type of struggle, whether she's a Christian or not, remind her of the gospel. Her heart is searching for an intimate and unconditional lover, but mostly, it is searching for a savior. No human can be that for her. Putting that expectation on a potential mate is both unrealistic and dissatisfying. Marriage is supposed to be a fantastic earthly example of the gospel. If she does not understand the gospel, she will not understand the true purpose of marriage.

2. Encourage her to cultivate the qualities of a godly wife-I've never been married, so I don't know for sure, but apparently, signing a marriage certificate doesn't magically make you a good wife. As it turns out, the characteristics of a good wife have to be cultivated within a woman's heart long before she says "I do." Truly, there are some things in marriage that we will simply have to learn along the way, but there are also many qualities that can be developed in singleness.
-Encourage your inquirer to seek out what makes a godly woman within the scriptures. This includes knowing who God is, who God says she is, and looking to examples of women within the Bible.
-Spur her to practice these qualities on the people God has placed in her life now. Kindness, gentleness, selflessness, humility, etc. are all things we can demonstrate now. Our families are one of the best practice grounds, because they delight in seeing us grow and tend to put up with more of our failed attempts at grace than others. If she is like many young women nowadays, including me, and does not have a strong family background, encourage her to implement godly characteristics by practicing with people in her church, workplace, or pretty much anywhere else.

3. If she is at an age that she can be married, discuss godly ways to move towards her goals- This is probably the most controversial point and will need several future blog posts in which I will elaborate, but here's the gist:
-If she's not old enough to marry, encourage her to wait on the dating. Dating when marriage is not feasibly on the horizon creates frustrating situations of sexual temptation. The pattern of date-breakup-date-breakup also creates within us the habit to push people aside when they are no longer satisfying our needs instead of working through the hard times. This, in my opinion, lays fertile ground for the temptation to divorce later on in life.
-If she is old enough to marry, explain to her that while she should be the one being pursued by the man, there are godly ways for her to move towards her goals. Yes, a man should pursue, but a woman who sits sulking in front of the TV in her one-bedroom flat is not putting herself in a position to be pursued. I will go into great depth on this point in future blogs, but for now, I would encourage you to point her towards the example of Ruth, who loved Boaz and positioned herself (without scandalous dress, inappropriate flirting, or sexually manipulative behavior) in way that he would be able to see and pursue her.


Whew. I know this was a long blog, but it's been on my heart for a LONG time. Hope it is helpful! :)